How to Love a New Mom
Remember in my last post that I mentioned my sister's wonderful news that she was expecting a baby? Well, he was born! I got to visit my sister last week and snuggle my sweet nephew, and so I'm taking a little break from the Deployment Diaries series to revisit an old topic: How to Love a New Mom.
One of the things I'm particularly passionate about is supporting new moms--that is, after all, what Twin Sanity is all about. Being a new mom is tough! Whether you're a first-timer or not, you're dealing with recovering from what is likely the most physically grueling experience of your life, extreme sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones, and having to suddenly care for the needs of an utterly dependent human being. If you are a first-time mom, add to that having possibly been nervous and scared for weeks or months leading up to labor and delivery, and now being nervous and scared that you're going to break this tiny person whom you love like crazy, and yet may have very little idea how to care for. If you're doing this for the second, third, or nth time around, you have other children who also expect your attention. Help!
Just before my trip to love on my sister and new nephew, a friend said, "My son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first baby--you'll have to give me tips on how to help!" So dear friend, here you go...
Most of these are geared to the overnight helper, but many of these can be accomplished by friends who are looking for ways to drop in and offer their support.
{Dads, if you are trying to figure out what you can do to be part of this new parenting thing, this list may be helpful to you, as well!}
1. First and foremost, respect the new mom (and dad). They may be new, but they're still the parents. It's tempting to go in and try to be the "expert," but not only have we experienced parents often forgotten how things really were when our babies were new, but each baby and set of parents is different, and there is definitely more than one right way to skin this cat. If the new mom wants her baby to eat every hour, but your babies were on a three-hour feeding schedule, it's not your place to tell her to do differently unless she asks. If she specifically asks you to do this or that with the baby, and it's not the way you did things, you still do it her way. She has the right to raise her children however she sees fit, make her own mistakes, or discover new and better ways of doing things than we ever dreamed of. Be her champion, encourage her as she struggles, be a sounding board, provide ideas if they're wanted, but keep in mind--if we figured it out, so can she!
It's hard to think of a way to put this delicately, but part of respecting the new parents is to remember that this is about the new parents and the baby, and not about you. You may be a friend or even a family member who is anxious to see the baby, but with all that this new little family is going through, your company may not be a good idea for a few weeks. Try not to take it personally if they don't want to have guests or maybe only want certain guests for a little while. 2. Think of "helping with the baby" more as "taking care of the mama so she can take care of her baby." Newborns just need their mamas, so let the mama cuddle and care for her baby--unless she wants you to step in. (Don't worry--you'll inevitably get some baby-holding time, too.) Focus your efforts on taking care of the mama: Do the dishes, feed the family (including the mama!), fold the laundry, walk the dog, look after the older kids... Take care of anything and everything you can to reduce her stress as much as possible, so she can concentrate on job #1.
Some of the things I did while I was staying with my sister included:
Staying on top of the dishes--it was my goal to never have a mess in the kitchen that she might see and think, "ugh...I've gotta clean that up..."
Making sure that every meal was ready before she had time to think, "Gee, I'm hungry...I wonder what we'll have for breakfast/lunch/dinner..."
Keeping some fresh fruit and other snacks on the counter, ready-to-eat at all times--a nursing (and tired) mom does not ever need to get hungry and have to search for something to eat. Friends who visit with food in hand are good friends indeed.
Doing the laundry--it helps to have someone else be proactive about this, not letting the laundry pile up, keeping it going, getting it folded, and putting it away.
Running errands
Facilitating leaving the house when necessary and/or when a change of scenery would be beneficial
Taking a night shift when Baby thinks it's party time, but Mommy is losing her ability to function
Waiting on the nursing mom with glasses of water, remote controls, one-handed snacks--anything she needs
Reminding her to nap and assuring her that someone else is keeping an eye on the baby while she gets some desperately-needed rest
3. A great help from a friend is rounding up some meals among people in your circle, and keeping it going for as long as you can. Remember that babies don't start sleeping through the night for many weeks--it's not like after day three, Mom's fully recovered, the baby is sleeping through the night, parenthood is all figured out, and life returns to normal. Friends of ours took extra pity on us because we had twins, so we had three meals a week for at least a month, and it was an absolute life-saver. TakeThemAMeal.com is my favorite website for organizing meals--it even has an option to send a meal for those who can't or don't want to cook. What a great tool for people wanting to bless others with the gift of food!
As a person who was greatly supported by our friends and family when our babies were born, I can vouch for the fact that good help makes a tremendous difference!
